#18. absent

I haven’t written much lately . . . and it’s not for lack of things to say, I actually have some exciting stuff to talk about (we picked a place! practice centerpiece pictures!) but I just haven’t been feeling it . . .

I’ve felt restless, disorganized, melancholy, stressed . . . and I’m not exactly sure why. I just feel so dissatisfied . . .

not because of Rock, god no, though we have been bickering. he’s the best thing that ever happened to me and without him I would be completely adrift.

not because of mom, though I certainly have reason! (also, drama with momma & the location. details to follow . . . )

not because of work or grad school or money or wedding planning or our lemon of a house . . . even though all those things stress me out mightily, it seems to run so much deeper than that . . .

and yesterday, on the way home from work, a familiar but long-lost song came on my ipod and I couldn’t help but sing. loudly. and right there I figured it all out . . . I couldn’t remember the last time I opened my mouth to sing out loud. at all, much less in praise of Him. and I just started bawling right there in the car just off of highway 20. I don’t remember the last time I did something creative. I can’t remember the last time I touched my sewing machine, pulled a charcoal across a page, mixed up watercolors – even picked up a crayon! and my heart is so heavy with that realization. I feared that moving to texas would cause me to lose some of who I was, but truthfully, it started long before I packed the first box.

this weekend. I’m making a dress. I have to make a change.