#41. I won!

let's start by saying I never win anything. door prizes, bingo games, bets, scratch-off lotto tickets . . . nothing. you know those carnival games where you pick up the floating duck & win a prize if the bottom is red or whatever? yeah, no. my duck is not a winner.

but, I DID win a little "contest" the Repeat Bride was having the other day for some engagement books. (she was mostly giving them away, but hush. I will claim my small victories where I can) I "won" a copy of Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of Her Life (by Allison Moir-Smith).

I'm kind of excited.

also, check out her blog. it's great. she's very honest about the ups & downs of preparing not just for a wedding but for a life together. actually, she's really very honest about everything. pretty great.

(ps: does it make me a nerd to be really excited about winning a book? probably. do I care? nope.)

#30. I always loved Nancy Drew

I finalized arrangements today to make a trip to visit Momma. aside from taking off work, seeing my family and escaping this dismal weather, I’m also excited because this trip will be the first dress fitting! wait, what’s that you say? what’s the deal with having a fitting a year out from the wedding? and where the heck did this dress come from, anyway . . . I don’t remember her going shopping or anything . . . to you who are suddenly thinking I’m crazy, I say, you’re absolutely right. I probably am crazy.

you’re also right about the Mystery of the Suddenly Appearing Wedding Gown, Nancy Drew, I haven’t talked about going shopping. no, you didn’t miss it. well, actually, you did. it was almost 4 years ago. and yes, I probably am crazy, but not in the way you’re thinking.

see, this dress, that I have a picture of somewhere . . . I’ll rustle it up for you . . . (ooh, how texan of me: rustle up) this dress, I love. with every fiber, I love it – its smooth simplicity, the weight of the gown on my body, how glamorous I feel wearing it . . . I love this dress. I vaguely mentioned earlier that I have worked in a bridal store; that is where this dress was purchased. I however, did not mention earlier that I have been engaged before. true story. this is not my first venture into this whole wedding planning stuff. I’ve done a lot of this stuff before.

his name is boy wonder and he was my very best friend for a long time. there is too much to say about what happened, what went wrong, so I won’t say it. I will say that when the relationship started to sour, he proposed. and I stupidly accepted, thinking it could fix things. it didn’t. at the end, it became so clear that he was very much a boy, not ready to be grown, and I had already moved so far past him that there was no catching up. and at the very very end, I realized that I had known this all along.

the hardest part of the whole thing is that in every decision I make, there is the ghost of the “last time” lurking in the shadows. I want to have cupcakes, but that’s what I wanted “last time” too . . . and thinking of them makes me think of boy wonder and how we loved “frost your own cupcake day” in the cafeteria. I want to walk down the aisle to Hallelujah (probably Jeff Buckley rather than Rufus Wainright) but I know I fell in love with the harmonies when boy wonder played it on the piano. and this brings me to the dress and the insanely early fittings . . .

when Rock & I get married, I will be wearing the dress I purchased to wear to marry another man. Momma has let me know this is weird. but I love this dress. I fell in love with it on my third day of work. I love this dress. Rock has let me know that he understands. (and that he doesn’t think it’s weird) I love Rock. but I do want to make some changes to the dress to make it truly mine and truly a part of our wedding.

enter Momma’s best friend, an amazingly talented seamstress and fabric artist. (seriously. she MADE her daughter-in-law’s wedding gown. from scratch, by hand, no pattern, in raw italian silk. that she went to italy to buy. She also embroidered a few exquisite fall leaves on the train and on the veil. she’s uh-MAZ-ing.) My design plus her skills will (hopefully) equal one super awesome dress! Momma’s friend is a professor she has an open expanse of time during the summer for personal projects. And I’m her personal project this summer! After the fitting/brainstorm design session I will bring you actual pictures & details & everything. I hope I can bring myself to cut into it . . .

#28. you know it was a good party when

you open your purse the next day (at work) to figure out why the heck it's so heavy and you find this:

yeah, that's my office chair.

(I brought the beer for a friend's dinner party & rather than bring a whole box home with only 3 bottles rolling around in the bottom, I thought I'd be really smart and just throw them into my purse. turns out there were 4 bottles left . . . yeah, really smart)

#24. things I learned last week:

the training I went through last week was a lot about self-discovery. yes yes, and how to use the MBTI to help others with that whole self-discovery thing, but I really learned a lot about myself. here's what I've got:

1. I actually am an extrovert. I've been off and on about this for years but I've completely proven it now. I love to talk to people, meet people, work with people, do things . . . and I always have, but I used to be shy. painfully shy. really. like, wouldn't speak up in an empty room because I might disagree with myself shy. (that's because of the F part of me, if you're familiar with Myers-Briggs. I'm an ENFP. and I love it.) but dang, you tell me my job is to talk to people and I am off running and loving every minute of it!

2. I HATE traffic. there is not enough money in the world to make me work downtown and have to drive in every day. I am totally open to moving closer -- even into a downtown loft (I mean, if you're paying me, why not) -- but I cannot will not drive through that crap every single day. somewhat related is point 3:

3. I am terrible at directions. and the gps doesn't help (in fact, I'm convinced she's really out to get me. maybe she's jealous. story for another time). Rock kindly lent me Suzie, his garmin gps, so I wouldn't get lost. I also looked up and printed both mapquest and google directions. all this led me to call Rock from somewhere outside love field (north of dallas) totally totally lost. (have I mentioned that I live south of dallas? way south? and west? like, into tarrant county west?) this just made the driving part longer (and added more yelling)

4. parking garages scare the living crap out of me! for real. they're so big and strangely lit and echo-y it just creeps me out. actually, I already knew this. what I learned: an all-underground one? worse. way worse. if some creepo jumps out from behind a parked car to attack you, at least you can't be thrown off the edge, but there will be no one to hear you scream! they made a movie about this very thing (P2. interested? review here) and I refused to see it! (well, more because it looked really terrible, but still, it's the principle of the thing) scary!

so yeah, that's what I learned at my MBTI training. and all sorts of helpful stuff about team-building and leadership training and career coaching . . . but how often will I use that? really?

#22. at least he's honest

victoria's secret has new perfumes! I know this isn't really news since they seem to come up with something new every other week. and then send me a catalogue telling me about it and making me want to buy some new bras or shoes or yoga pants. (Rock also seems to really like when I get a new vicky's catalogue . . .)

anyway, new perfumes . . . sorry, new parfums intimes named for lingerie fabrics: satin, silk, lace, cashmere. and I got free samples! (finally! the angels vip card actually gets you something other than an outrageous interest rate!) look!

so of course the minute I get home I need to test all of them to see if I will like them or not. after spritzing all of them a little, I commit to try "Satin" (Rose de Mai) (um, what?) first. I spray it on and go find Rock to see what he thinks. I no sooner walk in the kitchen and he says "what's that smell? does something smell weird? . . . oh, it's you, isn't it?"

sooo, satin is apparently out. thanks babe.

#18. absent

I haven’t written much lately . . . and it’s not for lack of things to say, I actually have some exciting stuff to talk about (we picked a place! practice centerpiece pictures!) but I just haven’t been feeling it . . .

I’ve felt restless, disorganized, melancholy, stressed . . . and I’m not exactly sure why. I just feel so dissatisfied . . .

not because of Rock, god no, though we have been bickering. he’s the best thing that ever happened to me and without him I would be completely adrift.

not because of mom, though I certainly have reason! (also, drama with momma & the location. details to follow . . . )

not because of work or grad school or money or wedding planning or our lemon of a house . . . even though all those things stress me out mightily, it seems to run so much deeper than that . . .

and yesterday, on the way home from work, a familiar but long-lost song came on my ipod and I couldn’t help but sing. loudly. and right there I figured it all out . . . I couldn’t remember the last time I opened my mouth to sing out loud. at all, much less in praise of Him. and I just started bawling right there in the car just off of highway 20. I don’t remember the last time I did something creative. I can’t remember the last time I touched my sewing machine, pulled a charcoal across a page, mixed up watercolors – even picked up a crayon! and my heart is so heavy with that realization. I feared that moving to texas would cause me to lose some of who I was, but truthfully, it started long before I packed the first box.

this weekend. I’m making a dress. I have to make a change.

#15. all a matter of pride

when non-texan sis was here last week, we went out to Buffalo Wild Wings to eat some asian zing wings and play a little trivia. (unrelated tangent: in my college town, everyone called this chain "BW3's" I say that here & people look at me like I'm crazy. am I crazy? tangent over.) In this very fine establishment, we saw a woman at the next table with a tattoo. a tattoo behind her right ear. a tattoo behind her right ear depicting the state of texas. the state of texas! (I totally wanted to get a picture of this, but couldn't come up with a good way to ask her)

now, maybe I'm just jealous because if I got a tattoo of my home state, it'd just be a rectangle (and I'd forever be explaining what it was). But really? the state of texas? umm . . . why? in case you forget where you live? of all things to have permanently inked on your body . . .

when I told Rock, he was totally unfazed. he's seen a million texas tattoos. is this some sort of bonding ritual or residency requirement or what? (cause if it is, I might never change my license plates)

no, he says, it's a matter of pride. state pride. I see. now, I'm proud of my state (mostly) but I'm still not getting a tattoo of it (see: stupid rectangle shape, above). so I told Rock I'm getting this:

{from cbs sports. here.}
(bonus points awarded if you recognize the mascot!)

#9. I do have really cute shoes

{postsecret.com}

my irrational fears:
- using the "accessible" stall in a public bathroom and exiting to a massive beatdown from a woman in a wheelchair who had to wait
- birds
- needles
- not fitting into my wedding dress

no, really. I dreamt last night that my mom washed it for me the day before the wedding and the whole thing shrunk to child size, like a really nice sweater in a cheesy sitcom . . .

this whole thing is irrational because I: a) have over a year until I'll need to wear it so there's a lot of time there for me to figure something out and b) know some really good seamstresses (umm . . . me) in a "worst-case-scenario"

(that and c) my mom hasn't done my laundry since the 6th grade. I know there is nooo way she'd start back up now)

but still . . . the fears swell up time and time again . . .

I just didn't figure the wedding nightmares would start up so soon . . .

#8. I guess I need this

a friendly helper from Sue at Happy Meals & Happy Hour . . . to combat pms alzheimers . . .

please read: http://happymealsandhappyhour.blogspot.com/2009/01/pms-warning.html

Cause EVERY MONTH I get all emotional and argumentative and angry and EVERY MONTH I'm like "What the hell is wrong with everybody? Why is everyone picking fights with me!? Why must they make me CRY in freakin Applebees?!?"

ohhh, right . . .